“Whenever anything negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it, although you may not see it at the time. Brief episodes of poor conditions can show you what is real and what is unreal in your life, what ultimately matters and what doesn’t. Seen from a higher perspective conditions are always positive. To be more precise: they are neither positive nor negative. They are as they are. And when you live in complete acceptance of what is there is no “good” or “bad” in life. Whenever you notice that some form of negativity has arisen within you, look at it not as a failure, but as a helpful signal that is telling you: Wake up. Get out of your mind. Be present. ”

The Power of Now by Eckert Tolle

I found myself on a tropical island this weekend. Besides the scenic boat rides, clear waters, yacht sun bathing and impromptu jet skiing I left my trip with an addition to my suitcase. The excerpt above is from the page I flipped open to in a book I found on the streets of Avalon at 4 in the morning. Ill let that sink in. It’s ironic, but almost comical at this point due to the omen it presents. Since I chose to play grab ass with the tall fighter pilot at our last bar stop for the night, my friends went home without me. I walked down a cobble stone alley way, alone, asking strangers if they knew how to get to an address I was obviously pronouncing wrong. I only had about a mile of land before I dropped off into the pacific, so I drudged on confidently. As I turned the corner to a street that looked familiar I looked down to find a book face down in the dirt. Reading the title was like getting kicked in the mouth. THE POWER OF NOW: A guide to spiritual enlightenment. Ouch.

I always ask for signs, and I always get them.

A little over a year ago I remember sitting in the hallway to my work and crying to my sister about how much I felt the relationship I was in was going south. I didn’t know if it was me, or if it was him, or if it was even anything to salvage. I just knew I needed someone to tell me what would make me the happiest. She told me to do what I felt in my heart to be right. If I know anything, it’s that my heart would be of no help. So I took a break. You know, those bullshit excuses you make to be able to get out of an uncomfortable situation by just sweeping everything under the rug? I blew the Pennsylvania popsicle stand and came home to my friends and family where I was sure I knew how to BE. My boyfriend and I went back and forth about him moving out here and I felt the pain of guilt for even asking him to uproot his life, and he obliged. Of course the distance made me fall in love again. It was everything I wanted in that moment down to the ring we picked out as we planned our future together. And then I got the phone call that he was going to be a father, and not to anything I was carrying.  I mean, as far as flags go…that’s about as red as they get.

I almost married a man I wasn’t entirely sure about because I was stuck on a future with somebody being better than being alone. People do that every day. And I get to tell the story, not live the mistake. Something is steering me somewhere and it’s so outlandishly obvious that it scares me to a degree. Every guy who doesn’t call me back, every relationship that doesn’t work out, every moment that frustrates me to the point of tears…How lucky am I to have dodged those bullets?

When I arrived on the island this weekend I brought with me a sense of panic.(and a bottle of Jameson, to offset the fear) I’ve been out of a job for almost two months now and my funds are running low. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was going to pay for a good time. The boat ride over was dedicated to scanning craigslist for potential jobs, and the bar hopping was, for me, just one giant scan for husbands. I spent more time worrying about tomorrow, instead of enjoying today. I needed a shake, and it showed up in the form of a book packed full of highlighted literature about how to stop worrying and really start living. I hate using the word blessed because I feel like a lot of us get these little wake up calls, I’m just really in tune with utilizing them to their fullest potential. So the next time your guardian angel taps you on the shoulder with an unexplainable omen, make sure you take the irony and apply it to the path you were born to take. Presence, positivity and letting go of anything that doesn’t better you along the way. Or at least that’s what my new book says.

IMG_1669

“Sorry to have kept you waiting”

“That’s alright. I wasn’t waiting. I was just standing here, enjoying myself…in joy, in myself.”

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