So I asked men what they wanted to know about us women. Naturally, I got bombarded with a plethora of questions entirely too specific to generalize in a blog. “Do you find men like me attractive?” “Why were you interested and then suddenly not?” “Hey, do you like anal? Talk about opening Pandora’s Box. I’m happy that my request gave some the opportunity to fire bullets, but this article was meant for questions you’d ask us in general so that I may respond with what I believe to be most women’s responses. Luckily I was able to sift through the requests and pick out a few I felt were common concerns among men. So without further ado:

How are men supposed to know if a girl is just being nice or if she is actually attracted to you?

It’s almost impossible for a woman to be so nice that she blatantly covers up even a slight disinterest. If she’s not interested you will know by a combination of a few things:

1. Lack of physical contact. If you want her to be close, bring her close. If you find a purse stealing your thunder when you return to the bar from a bathroom break, she probably wishes you’d keep your distance and/or would buy her more drinks so she forgets how awful you are. Women don’t “touch” men to be nice, they touch men to let them know they want MORE.
2. She doesn’t ask you about yourself. If in the first thirty seconds I’ve already decided I could never stand at the alter with your poor excuse of a beard, I’m not going to ask you where you see yourself in five years because I’m too frightened to find out if I’m part of the equation. No questions, no attraction.
3. Shady eye contact. I look other places. Sometimes at the door. Even at other men. I’ll pull my phone out because being rude will make me less desirable and therefore an easier situation to diffuse if there’s no interest on both of our parts. I hate being the one to break a spirit anyway. Way easier to be rejected then to do the rejecting. Here’s NOT looking at you, kid.
4. No discussion about the future. If I really like a guy I usually find a way to invite him into a future plan. Like a concert or an activity I like. If we mutually agree to something in the future you know there’s an interest outside of this cordial first date. If I make up something about being busy for the next four weekends, it’s over.

Being nice is staying seated for the duration of a meal. Being interested is engaging in the person in front of you beyond normal social expectations. Us women will take your business card out of kindness, but true desire for intimacy and a realtionship will be expressed by more than just the ‘nice’ cues.

Why do women say “It’s Fine” when it’s clearly not?

Conflict avoidance my friends. Have you ever had your insides try to exit your body through an emotion? Estrogen is the vehicle for chaos and we’re not about to verbalize the insanity that overcomes us when the fury ignites. Actions will always speak louder than words so this question really frustrates me as a woman. If I walked up to a man with a yellow crayon and I tried to sell it to him as red, I’d bet that he would have something to say about the lie i’ve presented him with. If I haven’t talked to you in days, won’t respond to text messages, have red wine stained lips and six DVR recordings of the most extreme feminist talk shows…why are you believing me that ‘everything is fine’? At this point, it’s such a wildly known statement that it’s almost code for ‘guess what’s wrong because it hurts too much to tell you’. The guessing game can be tedious and I totally get the immaturity factor, but it some how allows us women to watch your accountability unfold. You forgot my birthday. Do I want to tell you “hey you forgot my birthday?” No, I want you to utilize the moment of me saying it’s fine and it not actually being fine in the room to remember -oh shit, i forgot her birthday- If that’s too much too ask, you know, figuring out what you did wrong before we have to tell you what you messed up….it’s fine.

What is the most intriguing quality women find in a man?

Despite popular belief, it’s not their wallets. However, it is an extension of the wallet in the form of security. Monetary security is old fashion. Nothing makes a woman feel more secure than a guy who respects her. He respects her time, her words, her body. As much as I like to preach the importance of a good sense of humor or dashing good looks, if a guy accepts a woman for who she is, she will feel free to communicate honestly and be herself. Therefore, feeling safe. Safety can also be translalated in the form of commitment. There is nothing more intriguing than a man who states exactly what he wants for the future. We have to stop pretending that it’s scary to say “I want to be married someday, with two kids and a really fast car”. That’s not scary, that’s stable. And stable is sexy. Even if it doesn’t work out that I’m the woman in that wife equation, it’s so much easier to persue a relationship with someone who I’m not constantly afraid might ‘break it off’. Integrity is far more intriguing than anything else a woman might pretend is an essential quality for a suitor. Bring on the honest (B)abe’s.

Where does the social stigma of men having to initiate first contact come from? Why are men responsible for approaching women?

I dunno. Why do women have to have babies and periods and shave their legs? Because that’s life and you need to take at least one for the team, bro. Honestly though, your social stigma is skewed. You aren’t responsible, it just happens more frequently. I like being in charge…so I’m sorry to the men who don’t get approached because well, you haven’t met me yet. I know what I want and I walk up to him at bars. As for the rest of the sitting ducks who twirl their olive around in their dirty martini waiting for Mr. Right to order her a to-go wink, those ladies don’t handle rejection well. But, they too have a multitude of messages go out to men online who don’t respond, you just don’t hear about it. As women, we can afford to be pickier because by nature we are in less need of sex. So, I think the approach comes off as a less frequent occurance because it’s less frequently occuring. Aggressiveness faces ridicule in this day and age, so until the slut-shaming depleats and the strong female role becomes ‘sexy’ , women will always give men the upper hand in the courting department. As for it being your responsibilty? Not neccessary. I’d say try waiting for her to approach you, but that would probably be the longest you’ve ever had to withold from your desires and to be honest…your balls might explode.

When it comes to dating what is a woman’s biggest fear?

Sexually transmitted diseases, obviously. Joking, it’s got to be being cheated on. I can’t even tell you the amount of girlfriends I have who’s boyfriend’s I’ve swiped left on on Tinder. Monogamy is an anomoly. Men have failed at resisting temptation since the dawn of existence, and today is no different. There is an insanely intense conncoction of a woman you must be in order to keep a man fully interested until he’s buried in the ground. Unfaithfullness is not only a concern about the men we date but a serious conundrum within ourselves. Will he be enough? Does he know what I want? Can I commit to only him? Will he commit to only me? Technology makes love affairs so simple these days, and while I’m over here just trying to find one guy to love me, I more often than not see the women around me juggling the sexual, emotional, and mental relationships of more than just one person. With that said I believe that infidelity is the most basic fear for both parties while dating, and will continue to be this way for decades to come.

 What is the biggest turn off that guys constantly do in the bedroom?

This is probably going to go in one ear and out your wang, cause lets be honest, no matter how many bedroom tips anybody gets, it’s a free for all when the clothes come off. If you’re referencing chapter six, section three of a Kama Sutra book as the lights get low, you’re already doing it wrong. Most of my girlfriends don’t kiss and tell, but the ones who do agree that the following habits of men in the bedroom really drive us straight to our vibrators:

1. The Recapper. For christ sake let me catch my breath before you start your half-time show featuring every play by play of the night. Guys who discuss what’s going on while it’s going on or immediately after really kill the mood. “Oh yea, remember when you did that thing with your tongue?” “Yea I do, it just happened”. “Man, I loved it when I threw you against the headboard, wasn’t that awesome?” “Sure, I mean, I let you do it a second ago didn’t I?”

2. The Condom Critizer. I love when a guy tries to tell me it doesn’t feel good. You know what doesn’t feel good? Genital warts. Or even worse, a baby dropping a bottle on your big toe. I can’t imagine that the pro’s outweigh the con’s on any level. I already have an alarm set to take a tiny pill that fucks with my hormones every month, the least you can do is cover the 1% chance that we may have a child we don’t want, or the 100% chance that you have herpes (I probably met you on tinder, so that probability is accurate). The more you bitch about it the quicker I want to send you a photo of a positive pregnancy/std test the following month. Scare tactics baby. Wrap it, before you tap it.

3. The Over Groomer. I don’t know who told men it was cute to look like a hairless cat, but I’m attracted to men because they are, men. If I wanted to run my hand across brazilian’d balls or a chest comparaible to a baby’s ass, I’d sleep with women. Ok, no I wouldn’t…I’d deal with it, but I wish you guys would know that power of trimming instead of shaving yourselves into a peach with a cock.

4. The Over Easy. Morning sex is labeled under “things I only do after a fight”. First off, women use all five senses to come to completion, including smell. Your halitosis is the grossest. Secondly, can we wait until both of us get a shower in? I don’t know about you, but when I wake up I want my eggs scrambled, not fertilized. Your morning wood is literally knocking at my back door before I have the opportunity to remember what day it is. Oh, it’s blowjobuesday? No thanks. Your dick smells like sweaty nightmares and a 4 am bathroom break.

If I could write a book on why it is us women do what we do, my life span wouldn’t be enough time to explain it. We are complex creatures with a tendency to switch gears faster than the road to understanding us may allow. I think the most important lesson here is that if you want to know, just ask. Knowledge is power my friends, the more you know the better off you are.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s