I’ve been single for 424 days, that’s 60 weeks, 15 major holidays and enough of a gestational time period to grow one and a half babies. But who’s counting. There are moments that I genuinely question fate’s motives and contemplate for hours the true reasons I’m without. Other days, usually mid-documentary on ‘night terrors’ with my hands in a bowl of every type of M & M on the shelf, I find my answers in the stupid little things I do that make me the perfect candidate to be alone forever.
I have a handful of single girlfriends, who undoubtedly are also destined to a life of solitude; I couldn’t get a dog to date them if I tied a pork chop around their neck. It’s a combination of being either way too slutty or not slutty enough, mixed with social anxiety and zero interest in personal grooming. At least that’s what I thought it was. And then I started listing the reasons all of us are single. Not just me. Not just my girlfriends. But all of you “I just don’t get it’s” all over the world.
Either you have been, or you are now, but you’re single:
1. Because your wifi password is “Gettankedgetfucked”
2. Because you might as well face it you’re addicted to…drama
3. Because you made an Instagram for your cat
4. Because your lipstick is, well…brighter than you
5. Because you’re on a gluten/meat/food free diet
6. Because you WebMD everything that itches
7. Because everything itches
8. Because choosing a place to eat takes longer than actually eating
9. Because you own the entire Friends DVD set and only speak in Joey-isms
10. Because you answer important questions with two word answers
11. Because you spell your name with a silent “h”
12. Because, tears.
13. Because you can’t fathom someone else taking your “selfie’ for you
14. Because your face looks like a bad car accident
15. Because you own one dress, and it’s borrowed
16. Because you idolize more than 50% of the Kardashian sisters
17. Because you’re only a football fan when the bar you like gives drink tickets for jerseys
18. Because you use the word “Fleek”
19. Because your daddy bought your Jetta
20. Because “nipple slip” is your middle name
21. Because you can’t even make a baby laugh
22. Because you dance like an epileptic
23. Because you have four kids from four different men
24. Because you check your ex’s facebook twelve times a day
25. Because your hair smells like last weekend
If you went through all of these and couldn’t figure out which ones account for your singlehood, you’re probably all of them. Ask your friends. They’ll let you know.