Dear almost-lovers,

Thank you for gifting me with time I would have otherwise wasted.

If currency could buy minutes, I’d take out a loan too big to ever pay off. More often than not, I look back on a relationship and realize that although lessons had been learned, I could have ended it much sooner. Of course I didn’t, because sometimes your heart forgets what your mind needs, and your nights get lonely, and you settle. So thank you; thank you for reminding me that I should never feel like an option, and when I do…you’re no longer my priority.

Thank you for doing the dirty work.

I take no pleasure in goodbyes. So, even though you didn’t give me one, thank you for not making me come up with the words to break another human’s heart.  It crushes my soul to not reciprocate interest. For me, it’s always been easier to pick my broken self up than to tear someone else down. I’ll forever pass the baton of detachment; the dirtiest job we lovers may have.

Thank you for making me feel worthless

When you were gone, I got to breathe a little easier. So many flags, the red ones that I quickly pretended were figments of my imagination, laid out like a road map pointing me to failure…and I forgot they were there until I had no more reasons to sing your praises. You often forgot to tell me you liked me, because it’s clear now that that wasn’t the case.  So thank you for the reminder that I can never again let one good quality outweigh everything else I deserve.

Thank you for the maybe, so that I can appreciate an absolutely.

I half assed my homework as a kid; did the bare minimum of chores growing up. Giving your all is scary and time consuming. There has to be something at the end worth the effort, right? You never saw the reward for your risks and I’m more capable now than ever to be able to know when love is given out of necessity or out of passion. I’m so appreciative of your inability to love me fully, because it was there in those shadows that I found a way to push for more.

Thank you for being frightened of my wild heart.

I am not a steady beat. I ring loud with passion and fall deep into regression. I’ve got ups and I’ve got downs and there won’t be many who can quiet my chaos, but thank you for backing out so I can find the one who can. I’m variables of insanity, the good and the bad. I know my weakness’ and I wear them for the world to see. Sometimes I run, and sometimes I hide, and sometimes I quote Britney Spears lyrics because I’m trying to meet a ‘word count’ on my blog. Point is, when you couldn’t find the balls to call me yours, frightened by my wild side; I was able to own my challenges and in that confidence seek a higher love.

Thank you for not being the man I needed so that I could be reminded of the woman I already am. My independence and intelligence are to be explored and tamed, but never owned.  I could spend a thousand tears on feeling not good enough, but every loss is just one step further from wrong and one step closer to right. Thank you for being too scared to be paired and for dimming my light so that I may shine brighter than ever before.

Yours truly,

Taryn

8 thoughts on “A Letter To The Boys Who Refused To Be My Man

  1. Reblogged this on I am V. and commented:
    I read this post and it bought me life! I haven’t been big on reblogging other posts, but this one spoke to me. Love the way she expressed her thoughts and I connected with it!

    -V.

    Like

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