Sobriety is a pond I’ve always wanted to take a swim in. My addictive personality hovers over things like ‘technology’ and ‘love’ and not ‘beer’ and ‘whiskey’ so the truth is, every time I slow down I wonder why I don’t just stop.  I don’t have to lie to kick it; I drink to get drunk. To me, the taste of anything with an alcohol percentage above zero, is like fire and regret condensed into a liquid joke. Here’s the catch. It’s easy to have just one beer, it’s even easier to send back a blowjob shot from across the bar (thanks but no thanks you fucking idiot) but when you can’t have a piece of cake because Grandma put rum in the mix, that’s where I’m calling game.

Being sober is like being a vegan.  It’s  just a ton of stretching of the facts to make you feel like you’ve suffered an even greater loss than just those colorful Mai tai’s they make on the beaches of Maui.

“I don’t eat meat. Or drink anything that comes out of anything made of meat. Or touch anything an animal might have been upset about me touching if I were to be seen touching it whilst in that animal’s presence”

Give me a break. This is how sobriety works. Like, you can’t drink anything. Nothing. You don’t get to just be sober for a night. You have to be sober for forever.

So when I thought about being fully sober the other day, I quickly decided it’s too definitive of a life change for a commitment-phobe like myself,  especially when moderation is totally possible, at least for me. I guess this is the same reason I don’t have any tattoos. I know everyone from 1992 to 1999 is really pissed nautical stars aren’t that cool anymore. I can’t wait for  this to happen to hangovers.

The amount of money and headache I’d save by just quitting the drinking game cold turkey would be exponential. But, sometimes I wanna drink the contents of a chocolate-foil-wrapped-bailey’s bottle on Christmas. And although that’s not a keg-stand, or an evening of beer pong, it’s the ability to have a little, when everyone else is having a lot.

The next time we’re out and about at the bar and you’re just one mixed drink short of going home with your own cousin, I dare you to try my ‘vodka-sprite’. You might be surprised to see that it’s just a water with lemon. Why? Because I don’t need alcohol to be fun. I just need the façade, because the world is judgmental and stupid. Plus, I refuse to be sober in the off chance that they come up with a vodka shot that doesn’t taste like nail polish remover.




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