Pumpkin pecan waffle scented candles. Stretchy pants. Not knowing what to do with my hands because there are so many silverware options. Apple pie moonshine. Black Friday. Cyber Monday. Buyer’s remorse Tuesday.  Cranberry sauce mishaps, ending in tide-pen revivals. Chevy Chase’s Christmas vacation viewing. Overcooked turkey. Undercooked marshmallows. Second helpings. Being single, yet again.

What comes to mind when you think of the fourth Thursday of November? Is it ever the true origin of the holiday? You know, the Mayflower anchoring at Plymouth Rock so that a shit ton of people could die of infection and disease only to find that  hard work paid off and that labor could keep an entire colony of predominately white people fat and happy…Or is it simply a day of reflection on what the year has, or has not brought you?

I won’t lie. Thanksgiving is the starting point for my Christmas Shopping blitz. It’s where I carb overload so that my body can produce enough energy to shop for the next 72 hours without sleep. But, that’s not to say I don’t utilize at least a few moments in  between shoveling candied yams into my pie hole to really reflect on what it is I’m thankful for since the last time I burned the rolls.

Biblically speaking, thanksgiving has always been a day of sacrifice. Un-biblically speaking, my whole fucking life is a  sacrifice. So, being the ultimate gift-giver that I am I continue to provide the world with hearty entertainment by engaging with idiots online.

Yesterday I got a message online that said “Make me laugh.” Period. End of message. For a second I mentally thumbed through all of the highly inappropriate one liners I had sitting ready in my joke-arsenal and then I remembered, I’m nobody’s monkey. Although I’ve been known to dance when someone tells me to dance, I’m not here for your entertainment, especially before I know a single thing about you. I’ll make you laugh, I thought. Do you giggle when you get stabbed? My gears were grinding as I received a message from a friend that made me almost lose my drink through my sinuses. It was in that moment that I realized how thankful I am to have people in my life that I don’t have to beg for a moment of hilarity.

My friends are funny. I never have to prompt their witty banter. It just flows, because I don’t force it. I’m so thankful for the amount of happiness in my life that is compulsive that I shake my head at the stupidity that I often invite by tap dancing in this dating scene.

This year, I’m thankful I’m single. Which goes against everything I’ve said in blog article’s 1-35, but the truth is, my year has been pretty rad and the people in it I didn’t have to add to my life by swiping. I might be sitting solo for yet another turkey dinner, but my heart is full with love for my friends and family near and far.

Happy Thanksgiving you cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dick-less, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey shit!




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