• By Ryan Carr 

Good morning cla-

To Whom It May Concer-

My fellow Americ-

Hi, how are y-

Whatever, I’m not an opener.


For the life of me, I cannot start any sort of conversation with an unmarried woman. Ever. When I do try my hand at it, I usually end up coming off like an asshole because the only people that get my sarcastic sense of humor are the ones that have known me forever. I have so much experience with new people thinking I’m a dirtbag, that when I find a woman attractive I tend to over compensate in the other direction. I once thanked a cute sales associate for her help; surprisingly, she didn’t ask me for my number. My sister calls this “007 Flirting”. This is so much of a thing that she even made me business cards that say, “Hi, I’m Ryan Carr and this is me flirting with you.”  


Not being an opener kind of rules out online dating, bars, and any other social setting where I don’t have someone to vouch for me. If my sense of humor isn’t getting me in trouble, my interests are. In a conversation on Tinder, I asked a match what her favorite pair of shoes were. On review of this conversation’s abrupt end, I realized how creepy that question was…I just really like shoes.


My friends aren’t exactly the best matchmakers either; actually they’re horrible at it. Most of us have known each other for a decade or more, so they all knew me when I was in my early 20’s doing the immature things that guys in that age range do. Knowing me for that period of time has made it difficult to see that since then I’ve learned to respect and value women, and I’ve grown up and become more interested in serious, meaningful relationships. So you can imagine, I’m not the first guy that comes to mind when they are looking for eligible suitors for their female friends.

Essentially left to my own devices, I’m an indefinite bachelor, unable to progress past introductions with any prospects due to this one fatal personality flaw.


But just incase she’s out there..


I’d like to find a woman who is into some of the same things that I am like Star Wars, my family and Xbox (yes, specifically Xbox because being with someone who’s into playstation would be like having the same argument every day with someone who thinks they are always right when in fact, they are not.) Someone that finds it funny when I call something the wrong name purposefully, speaks Pig Latin fluently and isn’t offended by the occasional unconcealed burp. A significant other who enjoys the finer things in life, like my tattoos and obscure movie references. Someone who shows affection the same way I do and curses recreationally. So really, I want to date myself… I just don’t know how to do that.


So, if this is you, consider this my opener.



Yours tru-



-Ryan Carr



P.S. Yeah, not a closer either.

One thought on “Guest Blog: Not an Opener

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