1. I don’t wait a day to text back. If I wanted to play games, id charge my iPhone. If you think I want my dating life to be parallel to a candy crush saga, you can Swedish-fish your way into another pond. I keep my read receipts on because I’m not a tool pouch of mind fuckery. If you text me, I’ll most likely respond in under an hour. If that makes me “too accessible” then call me crotchless panties cause I’m down for immediate gratification like the rest of the people who try desperately to pretend like they’re not.
2. I pay my own way. Chilvary isn’t dead, but it’s safe to say it’s severely injured. Like, let’s revisit the will, injured. Feminists rally in the streets of our nations largest cities to preach that men and women be paid equally, so why would I twiddle my thumbs when the check comes? I have my own job, my own apartment, my own bank account. I think I can pay for my own salad.
3. I have a routine. It’s penetrable, but it’s solid. Some women don’t know what they’re doing from Monday to Sunday, but I’ve got the kind of life I often wonder if I need to introduce anything else into. Wake up. Walk dogs. Head to work. Walk dogs. Sleep. Walk dogs. Repeat. Am I a dog lady? Oh god.
4. I’m particular about my appearance. No vain. No gain. I once had a man tell me that he could tell what a woman’s vagina looked like just by the way she kept her nails manicured. Ever notice how mean men can get about women’s appendages? I’ve got to be ruthless about my feminine features, cause a lot of you pre-pedi, flip flop wearing trolls aren’t.
5. I read books. The kinds about the five love languages, or how to be the kind of bitch he doesn’t want to poison. I think it’s important to gather a large set of opinions when adulting. I don’t just watch the real housewives of the richest cities and expect to gain self help from the knowledge of celebrities. I actually read about what to do when I’m definitely NOT doing it. I internalize, I learn, I grow, I see if they made a movie out of it first so I can fall asleep during it…
6. I say what I want. It’s still up for debate how scary this tactic is, but at the end of the day I’ve weighed my pro’s to my cons and frankly I don’t want to be with a spineless coward who fears my desires. If your lips are on the menu, and I’m hungry, I’ll tell you I want to make out free of concern. I spend enough time reading the minds of the rest of the world’s chicken-hearted population. If I like you, you’re gonna know it.
7. I cuss. A lot. Profanity is like bacon bits, sprinkle that shit everywhere. If your story doesn’t have a fuck in it, rethink your objective in telling it. We as a species crave excitement and your basic bitch tendencies might score you a dinner space with the parentals, but he’s never gonna write about you in a song. Jussayin.
8. I taught myself how to massage. There is nothing in this world you can’t learn on YouTube. Remember that the next time you need to blow up a plane. Too soon? Real talk though, there isn’t a person on this planet who isn’t decompressed by their trigger points. I educated myself on said parts of the body to be able to offer a quick relaxation tool for anybody who I deem worthy. Take that you boring back scratchers of the world!
9. I won’t ever hold it against you. Not talking about my body, promise. It’s funny how many people assume that truths are more painful than the unknown. It’s probably the greatest misconception of our time, and it stems from insecurities. Or maybe it’s all the processed cheese? Unlike most women, if you communicate your disinterest in a kind and effective manner, I’m not the type to ever hold a grudge. How’s that for a swift dating arrangement? You don’t like me? Say it. Cool, next.
10. I don’t wait. You’d be lucky to ever see me catch an elevator let alone stand in line for a man. Timing is literally everything. So even when it looks like I’m anxiously awaiting this seemingly fairytale romance, I’m just staying open to possibilities, not postponing my own existence. I know my worth and it keeps me ambitious and passionate, but certainly never with delay.
11. I trust my decisions. Never in my life have I been more sure of anything than my own intuition. My choices are always a combination of knowing what I should do, and wanting to do the complete opposite. Either way, I’m confident in my ability to cope should things go awry. Which is why, whatever I do, I do it with everything.
12. I’m not hell bent on a wedding day. If I had to choose between black and white let’s just say I have more outfits for funerals than matrimonial ceremonies. I don’t understand the hype of a big Pinterest celebration. Money that’s better spent on traveling, or, I dunno…buying a home to have a roof over our head. I just don’t foresee the “best day of my life” also being the “biggest waste of money”. Call me crazy.
13. I don’t Netflix and chill. With the utmost respect to the 36 shows I’ve started and couldn’t find time to continue, never will I ever succumb either of us to a night in, no dialogue. I realize there will be a time and place for this once dating has become a past time and we’re just spending everyday asking each other what the other person wants for dinner until one of us dies.
14. I care. All the fucks ungiven in the world have seemingly found a place in my heart. I hate when the women I’m around postpone their feelings because they’re not brave enough to try again. Even amongst some of the most awful arrangements Im adamant about showing people what it’s worth to be a nice a human.
15. I write a blog. I couldn’t get any more transparent if I was a brand new wine glass. Meaning, everything you’ve ever needed to know is handed to you on a silver plater of over 60 self proclaimed articles on lessons I’ve learned. Some may feel this to be a negative connotation to a newly developing relationship; a cheat sheet if you will. Tbh, you’re welcome. Nobody’s ever looked at a cheat sheet and been like “you know what, I really wanna fail this on my own”.
This isn’t a pep rally, or a presidential debate. It’s not a lecture hall for the blindly broken. This is me standing in front of all of you date-haters and reminding you that we can make dating great again. I’m not saying any or all combinations of my tactics above would create a sense of tolerance for today’s Tinderellas, but it is my hope that something might change so that relationships won’t be so cumbersome and intolerable. Seeking a partner can be an emotional slog. You know it, I know it. Looking to escape the confines of the dreaded dating disasters of the world? Text back, pay your own way, have a routine, stay pretty, read, say what you want, cuss a lot, learn how to massage, don’t hold grudges, never wait, trust your decisions, spend your money wisely, be fun, care, but for christ’s sake…don’t write a blog, this shit is a headache.