I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My nose is running like it wants that summer body, and I can’t control the overwhelming amount of sadness that’s come over me. I let a good one go. Again

He will never know. Cause I sent him the kind of text that sums up all my fears into one giant excuse that I executed so eloquently his only option was to wish me the best. My exit strategies are meticulous, calculated, profound. They are quick; and they are painless. What isn’t painless is realizing I kicked another genuinely good guy to the curb and all I have left are men who would rather spend their entire life alone then entertain the thought of discussing a serious relationship. 

He was the kind of man that when I was laying in bed Wikipedia-ing my symptoms, you know, finding out my chest cold was predominantly the onset of a malignant lung cancer, was texting me to see when I’d stop being stubborn enough to let him come take care of me. Well the answer is never. Cause never in my life have I ever let someone love me more than I love them. And rarely will you find me being taken care of amidst a life I’m capable of fending for myself in, despite the level of interest. 

I’m going to beat myself up about this until someone gives me an answer. [feel free to text me and not rip me apart in a public forum] Because out of all the articles on love, life and the pursuit of happiness, I’m stumped. Why am I SO un-attracted to the men who are interested in me whole heartedly? And why is it that I seemingly yearn for the idiots who won’t give me the time of day? Most people would say, by nature we want what we can’t have. Well, I say, I’m a fucking adult and I’m not stupid enough to chase something so unattainable and put myself through that kind of bullshit. Is it fate? Is it a higher power leading me to what I’m supposed to have instead of what I think I need? And if that’s the case why can’t I find any physical attraction to the men who care about me on a deeper level? Wouldn’t that be what I “need” and not what I “want”? Tell me, why am I so awe struck by ignorance and neglect?

I’m broken. I’m a legit bag of fail, folks. It’s not even in my control anymore. I cannot, within reason, force myself to have feelings for someone if they aren’t there. And they are only not there for the guys who want me. The only people who deserve it, are the ones who treat me well, and those guys are, for some ungodly reason, ew. Who turns me on hotter than a street lamp at midnight? Assholes. And those are the guys that I give my all to. My all for like 2-4 months and then they disappear, cheat, lie or decide they like men. Ok so, nobody’s turned gay on me, yet…but the day is young. 

I’ve heard that deep down, for some, a part of us feels unworthy of love; and that may attribute to continued rejection of potential matches. The irony is that I’m not insecure about my value. Ask anyone I know and they will reiterate that I hold myself to an uncanny level. I’m smart, I’m witty, I’m loving, sensitive, blunt, I take care of my body, I am independent financially, I am introspective, I’m a giver. I’ve got an attitude that needs to be adjusted sometimes, but that’s a drop in the ocean. The point is, it’s not that.{ So what else? }

Is it my ego? Could it be that I think I can always do better? Nah. If I made a list of my ex’s, their job titles, personality traits and the reason we broke up you’d all agree I could do better. Bartender, hated going outside, lied about being a heroin addict. Boom. Clearly I’m capable of settling. So it’s not that…

Maybe I’m bored with nice? Nice doesn’t make me break a sweat. It’s the vanilla to my rocky road with extra whip. Nice guys finish last, that’s a real thing. So, with that said, fingers crossed there are bad boys with nice tendencies who I can chase for a hot second that will ultimately fall deeply in love with me. I’m dreaming aren’t I? 

You know what’s pure bliss? Being alone. I’m exhausted on dating, and this is when you’re supposed to stop. When it becomes a chore and nothing feels “right”. Even when he’s standing at your door with flowers, telling you you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on, and you’re in the bathroom texting the guy who’s completely ignored you all week.

The truth is, I let fate throw me rando’s, and they just don’t do it for me, which is why I shop online for my build-a-babe. But these guys have other options and I just can’t keep up. The nice guys zero in on me and I completely forget how to, be. Then the player who has every intention of breaking my heart sweet talks me into a head-over-heels situation and I’m, smitten
Vicious cycle. Rinse, repeat. 

3 thoughts on “Broken Girls Finish Last 

  1. I have some thoughts – educated guesses, more like – about what could be going on, but I don’t think you’d probably be interested in discussing this publicly. Any way you could message me?

    Like

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