Since You’re Reading 

“I read your blog, and you’re pathetic”.  [ I dunno how you found me, but you dug deep] A reader is a reader, even if it’s the girl he cheated on me with. Zero fucks given.

Life suggestion: gentlemen, don’t call me to tell me that your girlfriend is stupid. Cause, your STUPID girlfriend might call me one day. And so she did…Who am I to withhold that kind of information?! 

Since he said you’re not “good at learning” and that “school was tough for you” I thought I’d break out some definitions that you used so sporadically in our brief interaction. Obsession is defined as an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a persons mind. Fact of the matter is I’m bombarded with reminders of him by a greater force. Something you probably wouldn’t understand since you’re so pre consumed with yourself. Real talk, self obsession is far greater of a disgrace than what fills the gaps in my heart. Check yo self. 

Also, I have a blog and I wrote an article about him. I don’t have a blog about him. You see, there was a point when I utilized a pen to paper method to hash out my feelings instead of calling someone I’ve never met and lashing out with malicious intent about who they were as a person by what I’ve  “heard”. I bet we can agree that you’re not “stupid”. Which should lead you to believe that I’m not “insecure”. You know, if we’re going off of the same “source”.

I don’t want to date your boyfriend. What I want for myself and really for the world are answers. I want nothing more than for two people to genuinely be happy together. So, suggesting that I would ever want to break two people up is nonsense. What we can now all assume by you two love birds having an evening consisting of calling me is: the obsession you speak of is an outstanding mirror. Turn that gaze inward baby girl. 

As he knows, and now you have a better understanding of, I live vicariously through the vague moments of my path. I take what is said to me in truth whole heartedly and don’t hesitate to abide by the direction it takes me. However, in saying nothing, that left parts of my mindset to seek responsibility for filling in the blanks. When he left there was no yes or no. There was silence. Our last conversation was about me having his child. Quite the cliffhanger to a “short and meaningless relationship” as you call it. No means no, and yes means yes. So by theory, nothing…meant nothing. And there had to be something. You were the something. But I didn’t know that until our conversation. One in which he relayed to me the absolute distaste he had for leaving me. 

I know you wondered why I sent that email. Or why I called him to check in. And to be honest it was none of your business. Unless he’s crippled and you’re now his caretaker, any contact with me was his responsibility, not yours. I know what you were thinking and I don’t fault you for it. Shouldn’t a girl have some respect for a taken man? Absolutely. It’s the notion that I would never give up on people, unless they ask me to. And most importantly the idea that I was under a different impression about your relationship than you. You can tell me ten ways to Sunday that he wants “nothing to do with me”. And if I had never heard from the guy, I would have believed just that. But he called me to tell me that he thinks of me. In moments of white water rafting with YOU. And I’m the crazy one…

It probably sucks knowing that your relationship will never be as important as him telling you about how great ours was. And I quote “She has a blatant disregard for life. Our adventures are meaningless, nothing like with you.” I will hold on to those words forever because I lived the meaning behind them. You can’t take away my past, despite how mean you try to be in the present. 

I get that being second is awful. But I’m appalled that you choose to be first in that shit show of a false love anyway. When I hung up the phone with him a few weeks back all I could think about was how lucky I was to have dodged a relationship in which the man who I loved everyday spoke of me that way to others. And you’ll never believe me. You’re blind. Been there. Wasted three years of my life in an exact imitation of where you are. This too shall pass

You called me a bitch. A low life. An insecure piece of shit. And then you attacked my abandonment issues with which you know nothing about. Clearly, he spoke of me in error. Or maybe he recounted deep seeded issues I trusted him with. I hope he finds your darkest corners and holds them tight. Because that’s what women deserve. Women deserve to hold each other high. To remind each other that we deserve the best. Not this. Not what he did to me, not what he said of you. 

This moment is authentic to what I always thought he wasn’t. I guess we’ve both been fooled. Laughing at me as I exposed him. Taking the phone away from my ear to drown out your expletives. His ex wife used to contact him while we were together and my heart went somewhere else than yours. Maybe it’s the age. 

I always wanted to remind her that she was in a better place without. And that I would be taking care of his heart from then on. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t a threat, and knew her pain. That women are strong and resilient, and a man will never define us. 

Remember that the next time you act as if I peed on your possessions; like I stole his thoughts for a brief too many seconds. Being irrational is the easiest thing in life to do…

I guess you could say, you two were meant to be. 

2 thoughts on “Since You’re Reading 

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