There are a lot of things I am willing to fight for. My family, my friends, my integrity. If I’m being totally honest, I wish my defensiveness subsided with my growing pains. But it didn’t. And if you call me a liar, I’ll show you a liar who’s also hell-bent on making sure you know better than to call me a liar again. If that sounds scary, it is. I deal with that kind of blind rage from time to time and only a handful of people in this life have provided me with tools to combat the intense need to get my point across. I’m not proud of it. Nobody’s proud of how they got here, only that they made it.
This week I learned an invaluable lesson. I lost my best friend [and a mother to the same scenario in earlier months] but gained a huge perspective about my role as a human being.
I am not here to fix you.
I will only love you as much as you let me without hindering my own happiness.
“Adults don’t get to tell other adults how to behave” she said, as the pain of my mistakes drew whatever was left in the salty canals of my bloodshot eyes. My sister has a way of always reminding me that whatever sadness I’m feeling is only in direct correlation to a poor decision on my part. On letting someone do damage, by giving them a platform to upset me. She was right. She’s always right.
Since when was it such a crime to tell others that what they were doing wasn’t OK? Especially if you weren’t totally convinced that they knew better. And I wasn’t. But that wasn’t my place. I’m an adult and adults don’t get to offer unsolicited advice; the downfall of so many relationships.
Nobody was there to prepare me for the kill. Just like that, I fired the bullet directly into the weakest part of my favorite friendship. And silenced it’s existence in one shot. Looking back on it, sabotage is just my guide’s way of making sure I pull the proverbial trigger quick enough to blast any opportunity of survival straight out of the park. They know I hang on to pieces. They couldn’t let me find pieces.
I entertained the idea that enough good outweighed the bad for entirely too long. I made sure to make excuses for the things that brought me anxiety and only highlighted the moments I knew you weren’t sick. But, we’re all a little sick when it comes down to it. I was sick of you and your were sick of you and we were both pretty fed up with pretending we weren’t always one “I’m running late” text away from giving up on each other.
But we were soul friends; the kind of person you could sit in complete silence with and feel comforted. I loved you like a sister, down to making sure whatever happiness you needed me to create, I’d manifest at my soonest convenience. I knew you better than you wanted to believe I did, and I probably won’t ever get enough credit for the way I handled the pain you created every time you abandoned me without reason. You knew exactly how to fail me. And in letting you do that, I failed me.
Nobody to blame, but myself.
Rest in (finding your) peace.